When Hogwarts Met Caroline
by StarCandy
Summary: Caroline Skeeter has become Hogwarts new psychiatrist and causes mayhem while revealing intimate details about the Harry Potter characters .... (funny)


When Hogwarts met Caroline   
  
Disclaimer: J.k owns it all (duh). No money is being made and no copyright or trademark. Barney belongs to the people who own him and Elmo people who own him (and the big duck from sesame street), (guess who Action man belongs to?) that's right Action man belongs to the Action man people and Barbie belongs to the evil monkeys that will one day take over the world (only kidding Barbie belongs to the Barbie people.) (By people I mean anyone who tries to sue me: they have absolutely no reason to). There is also a quote from another fanfic: Scenes Deleted from the Harry Potter Books by J.Marie. Who owns the quote etc...  
  
  
Oh and this story is copywritten so steal from it and I will set the Barbie/Monkey people on you...  
  
Author notes: Well each chapter contains different characters, this is my first fanfic and reviews email even flames are welcome. If you like this fic I might make a sequel where the teachers have to for psychiatric sessions (including Lupin, Snape and Sirius: not a teacher but oh well).   
  
Prologue: If the infamous reporter Rita Skeeter used her quick notes quill on her sister Caroline it would probably write something like this: Caroline Skeeter, tall, thin, long black hair, abnormally large eyes: brown, fairly pretty, mid forties, sister of Rita Skeeter, Hogwart's new school psychiatrist...  
  
Chapter1  
  
Hermione:  
  
"Hello, please sit down"  
Hermione strode over to a large bean bag in the centre of an empty triangular room, she started to stare the blank grey walls that had already made her feel uneasy, only to notice what looked like a small coffee table and a garden chair, seating Caroline Skeeter, she sat down uncomfortably, noticing Caroline's enormous eyes following her.   
"And you would be"  
Not bothering to look at Hermione while she spoke to her, Caroline glanced at a roll of parchment on her desk  
"Hermione Granger," she said finally.  
Then looking at the parchment and absently tapping it with her wand another roll of parchment flew out of the first, it landed at the foot of Hermione's robes.  
"Could you get that for me"  
Bending down Hermione saw that the parchment was well within Caroline's reach although judging by the "holier than thou" look on her face, Caroline seemed to think that it was Hermione's duty as a child to retrieve it. The roll of parchment unfolded delicately onto the floor led by its own accord, while Hermione stared at what was written on it in astonishment...  
  
Hermione Granger:  
  
Studies: Top of every class  
Friends: Two: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley  
Love: No steady boyfriend   
Possible love affairs: Three: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom  
Nationality: British, Muggle born  
Bad habits: Helping Neville in class when told not to, Discussing love life with friends in potion's class, Sceptical when it comes to revealing the inner eye.  
  
"Hermione could you please pass me that parchment, it contains private information only to be seen by members of the staff."  
Hermione wondered why Caroline was unable to fetch the parchment herself, if it contained private information, although in anger forgot to mention anything. By now Hermione had stood up and started to speak in a voice that what much louder than she realised...  
"No steady boyfriend, possible love affairs, is this any of your business?" She stopped to catch her breath and then went on.   
"Helping Neville in class, Discussing love life with friends in potion's class." Pausing again momentarily while a surge of anger cursed through her, she re-read: Discussing love life with friends in potion's class, realising that Professor Snape had just written a bare faced lie on what could be her school record. Then glimpsing yet another injustice began again.   
"Sceptical when it comes to revealing the inner eye: there is no such thing Professor Trelawney is a fraud, if you ask her why I apparently had difficulties with Divination when I was taking it her explanation would probably start off with: When Hermione was born the five space cadets of mars were being probed, then end with: Her Inner eye was blinded when the collision of Saturn's moons caused Pluto to fall into the sun."   
  
A little taken aback by her sudden out burst Hermione sat down and handed the parchment back to Caroline.  
  
"Well now that you have calmed down we obviously have some thing to talk about."  
Hermione remained silent.  
"I'm guessing that you were very poor when you were younger so you concentrated on learning as you couldn't afford toys. That would explain why you go to the library so often, because you could never really afford books either."  
Hermione stared at Caroline in utter disgust, she was being paid to tell students a load of lies about themselves and act concerned about their problems. When she was more than likely going to tell them to her sister so they would end up on the front page of the Daily Prophet, Hermione stopped for a moment imagining the headlines.  
  
HERMIONE GRANGER: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN GOOD WITCHES GO BAD, TOYING WITH THE HEARTS OF INNOCENT BYSTANDERS.  
  
  
SCANDAL AT HOGWARTS WHEN THE INFAMOUS SCARLET WOMAN HERMIONE GRANGER BLOWS UP THE DUNGEONS WHILE WREAKING HAVOC IN HER POTIONS CLASS 20 INJURED POSSIBLE DEATHS: 5  
  
  
MANY OF US ARE BORN WITH GIFTS, GIFTS THAT ALLOW US TO FORETELL THE FUTURE, AT HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY STUDENTS HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN TO USE THESE GIFTS.  
ALTHOUGH ONE GIRL VIOLATED THIS, THAT GIRL IS   
HERMIONE GRANGER  
  
"So Hermione am I correct"  
"Sorry, I didn't hear you," Hermione replied resentfully  
"I said am I correct?"  
"No"  
A quick grin spread across Hermione's face when she said this, Caroline looked as though Christmas had been cancelled. Although the grin faded when she realised that Caroline's comments on this session may appear on her school record and she was likely to write something evil if she was rude.  
"My parents are dentists and always have been, I had lots of toys when I was little." Hermione tried to look as if she was eager to listen to Caroline's views on her childhood.  
"Well it is possible that the toys represent other aspects in your life for instance the men in your life."  
At this point Hermione grimaced, Caroline clearly had no respect for other peoples buisness.  
"I think that Harry Potter represents the muggle toy: Action man. He is forever in the spot light and many times you look to him as your Hero." It suddenly dawned on Hermione that maybe it was Caroline who liked Harry, but by now she knew better than to comment so she simply said  
"Yes now that I think of it I have always hidden behind Harry in the face of danger, he is my bodyguard" Hermione was silent for a few seconds while trying to stop the fits of silent giggles resulting from what she had just said. Although Caroline seemed unaware of this and began to speak again (she never shuts up).  
"Now I can see that we are making some real progress, lets talk about Ron. I see Ron as a Muggle Cuddly toy e.g. Tickle me Elmo or a talking Barney."  
Hermione had now decided that Caroline Skeeter was criminally insane and belonged in St Mungos (witch and wizard institute for the mentally challenged).   
"You take this cuddly toy every where, you talk to it when you're lonely and cry when it's gone, you never realised how much you loved it until it was gone. This should describe your relationship with Ron."   
At this point Hermione was thoroughly embarrassed and sank low into the beanbag as if to hide her face.  
"Maybe that is why I brought my favourite childhood toy to Hogwarts with me"  
"Yes, I believe it is what is this toy called?"  
"Rex"  
"Rex, Ron, Hermione do you see the similarities, this is truly amazing, it is almost as if you were destined to meet Ron."  
Before she could control herself Hermione had let a deafening laugh that she was trying to pass off as a cough but was failing miserably. Caroline shot her a disgruntled look.  
"Is something funny miss granger?"  
Hermione would have given anything at that point to say...  
"Yes, I have not got a toy called Rex with me at Hogwarts and have never had one, I would also like to add that apart from being mentally challenged, criminally insane and just plain stupid it sounds like you have a crush on Harry and Ron which is just plain nasty, are time is up, I wont be coming back and feel that you should cancel all session's with other students as you are a danger to yourself and others." That's what Hermione would have liked to have said but what came out was very different.  
"I'm sorry I have whooping cough, a deadly muggle cough, I should really see Madam Pompfrey, better be off then, BYE"  
"Alright, bye, next lesson we will discuss your difficulties with concentration and talk about the muggle toy Barbie which I believe represents your relationship with Neville Longbottom."  
If this was all Caroline said Hermione would been reasonably happy although she went on...  
"You do know that I am here to help you, and the things we discuss in these sessions will help you in later life."   
That was crossing the line, Hermione left immediately without answering, making a promise to herself too never to speak to Caroline again.  
  
Chapter 2  
Harry  
  
"Come in."  
Harry had hardly stepped inside Caroline's office before her eyes were fixed upon the scar on his forehead.   
"Harry Potter," she muttered under her breath, then she started took out a roll of parchment.  
"I suppose your friend Hermione told you about your miniature school report."  
Not really understanding what Caroline was talking about Harry causally shook his head and said...  
"Why?"  
"Well Miss Granger had a minor tantrum when she saw hers and to prevent this happening again I have decided to show students their reports."  
Caroline handed Harry his report, he looked at it nervously...  
  
Harry Potter  
  
Studies: Average  
Friends: Five: Hermione granger, Ron Weasley, Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, Neville Longbottom  
Love: No steady girlfriend (known)  
Possible love affairs: Three: Parvarti Patil, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley  
Nationality: British, Pure blood (lives with muggles)  
Bad habits: Bulling Draco Malfloy, Leading friends into trouble  
  
"Why, does it say next to possible love affairs: Ron Weasley. I'm not gay."  
"Harry this is a miniature report meaning only teachers will see it, the notes on it were made by teachers. Don't worry no one else will see it, and no one is saying your gay that's why it says: Possible love affairs!"   
Harry simply looked at Caroline, and decided that if she was going to tell him lies he may as well go along with it.  
"Now I am very concerned about you bulling Draco Malfloy, although I think I know why you do it."   
"You do, well please tell me it's been on my mind for weeks," only Caroline could of missed the obvious sarcasm in Harry's voice when he said this.  
"While Professor Snape was helping,"  
"Professor Snape?"  
"Yes Harry Professor Snape wrote most of what is in these reports."  
Harry wasn't really surprised, who else would say that he bullied Malfloy, or was interested in Ron. Although Snape obviously wanted to get a reaction from him so that he could tell everyone Harry was psychotic, and he wasn't going to let that happen...  
"Sorry, please carry on."  
"Well Snape told me that you live with you cousin who is considerably larger than you. This means that you would have probably been literally in his shadow. You decided this was unfair so you thought you would take your anger out on some one else. Didn't you."  
"Er, yes."  
"You thought is was funny, the famous Harry Potter verses Draco deeply disturbed and from a broken home!" Harry started to wonder if this was a joke, yes Draco was disturbed but he lived in a mansion with almost 30 house elf's, while he had lived in a cupboard for 10 years. Only Harry's hatred for Snape stopped him from getting up and leaving.  
"Many would say that after Draco met you he was a changed man, they would say that before he met you him was carefree almost innocent but you corrupted him. How do you feel about yourself now Mister Potter?"  
"Very bad"  
"There there, it's always hard when you grow up in someone else's shadow," Caroline was had been reading Psychiatry For Dummies before this session and had become a little confused about the "Good cop, Bad cop" scenario.   
  
While Harry was Gazing at Caroline, he was speculating whether to show some kind of reaction to her last announcement. In the end he decided yes, so he hung his head and said...  
"The scars will heal the memories will fade, now I can only look to the future," then right on que he looked up and smiled. Harry had obviously done something extraordinary because after hearing Harry's last statement Caroline had jumped out of her chair a look of pure delight on her face.  
"Harry my dear, thanks to me your life has just been changed significantly, this job is so rewarding," wiping a single tear from her left eye she sat down.  
  
"Wow, I feel like I can tell you anything."  
"Well you can."  
"Ok here it goes," Harry paused and then began...  
"Well there was this one time at magic camp..."   
  
(Harry went to Magic camp for a school trip *cough*plot hole cover up*cough*.)  
  
  
(Cookie for whoever can guess where the magic camp things from, smile for the people from American pie convincing them not to sue :).)  
  
Chapter 3  
Ron  
  
Author note: If you don't like Dobby skip this chapter and don't complain!  
  
Ron walked into a grey triangular room at sat down on a conveniently placed bean bag, making a mental note to remind Caroline that he had been waiting for 20 minutes when she arrives. Noticing a roll of parchment on a small table in front of him he picked it up and began to read.  
  
Ron Weasleboy  
  
Studies: Just about Average  
Friends: Four: Hermione granger, Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, Neville Longbottom,   
Family at Hogwarts: Weasleboy girl and twins  
Love: No steady girlfriend (known)  
Possible love affairs: Three: Padma Patil, Hermione Granger, Harry Potter  
Nationality: British, Pure blood   
Bad habits: Following Harry potter and co, Destruction and Evil doings with twin weasleboys.  
  
"Sorry I'm late I had business with my sister."  
Ron's ears went pink (yes they go pink when he is angry as well as embarrassed.)  
"What, is this, this FILTH?"  
Sitting down at what Ron was sure was a garden chair, Caroline completely ignored Ron until she said...  
"What you like to talk about today then?"  
"THIS, THIS, F...ILTH." Ron had stuttered slightly over the word filth, due to his intense anger which was now causing his face to redden so that is was the same colour as the roots of his hair."  
"I see you have your miniature report." Caroline had released after a few uncomfortable seconds that Ron wasn't going to reply so she had reluctantly carried on...  
"That report was completed myself and professor Snape, it is for members of staff only." Caroline tried to change her expression into one of distress.  
"I am actually quite disappointed about the way you just spoke about it. When Harry Potter saw his he was more than happy to have a positive and uplifting conversation about it, I guessing you would like to follow in his footsteps?"  
"Not particularly, who do you think you are?"  
"I think that's whom do you think you are."  
"Well at least when you destroy lives with your lies there will be no spelling mistakes."  
"I am sensing a little anger."  
Glazing the parchment again, Ron did several double takes...  
"My name is RON WEASLEY NOT RON WEASLEBOY."  
"Sorry." Caroline waved her wand at the parchment and muttered an enchantment, all words that said weasleboy changed into weasley.   
"I do not love Harry and never will."  
"Are you even listening to me?"  
"Yes weasleboy, now please calm yourself."  
"WEASLEY," by now Ron had stood up.  
"I do not cause destruction or evil with my brothers, they do that by themselves."  
"So, you feel left out?"  
"Left out of exactly what?" Ron said disdainfully.  
"Your twin brothers cause mischief together and you are not a part of it, that's why you are so close to Harry."  
"What exactly do you mean by close?"  
Caroline didn't reply to this, she simply smiled and nodded her head  
"Curious, very curious."  
"Words truly from the heart, and there was I thinking you were making all of this up."  
"Did you say something?"  
"No just thinking aloud."  
  
Ron sees something green under the desk...  
"Dobby!"  
"I is sorry sir, I is cleaning the desk, I am not to be seen."  
Dobby starts punching himself in the stomach.   
"Miss I is very sorry, I will spit-clean your shoes."  
"That will be unnecessary Dobby you may return to the kitchens."  
"Ok goodbye sirs and misses," Dobby turns to Ron.  
"I hope you and misters Harry works out."  
"I am not with Harry," Ron turns to Caroline  
"Do you see what you have done."  
"Dobby will not tell, Dobby is a good house elf."  
"Isn't that what Winky usually says?"  
"Oh no Ron sir you is thinky I is my evil twin."  
"Winky is your evil twin?"  
"No, Winky is really my evil twin Wobby, Wobby is wearing socks that matches, mini skirts, hot pants and dresses!" Dobby looked at Ron and Caroline briefly to examine their expressions...  
"Dobby doesn't talk about Wobby much." Dobby hung his head, and then disappeared in a flash of green smoke. (All questions left uncovered about Wobby will never be discovered, that is why Wobby is evil *cough*plot hole cover up*cough*).  
  
"I know I was angry about something."  
"You was angry about your miniature report sir."  
"Dobby?"  
"Yes sirs."  
"Didn't you just disappear?"  
"No, that is just Dobby's party trick, Dobby is leaving using the door," the door slammed on Dobbys way out. After of a few minutes trying to remember what he was saying Ron's face finally reddened and he remembered...  
"Tell me Caroline don't you feel any shame?"  
"Why?"  
"Today you have wrongly accused me of being gay called me Weasleboy and have made an attempt to destroy my relationship with my brothers."  
"You could say that, but at least Dobby benefited from this session, he helped to come to terms with the fact that he has an evil twin, that's a hard thing to do. You should be pleased for Dobby."  
"Do not be angry at Dobby, Ron sir."  
"Winky? I mean erm Wobby?"   
Wobby grins  
"MWAHAHAHAHAH."   
"Wobby are you feeling alright?"  
"Wobby has to do that sir, Wobby is evil!"  
"Ok then carry on..."  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..."  
  
Chapter 4  
Draco (as you have never seen him before)   
  
Authors note: sorry to all Draco fans about this chapter if your gonna flame then go away now!!! (draco gets his revenge in the end though)  
  
  
"Father wanted me to go to Durmstrang but mother wouldn't allow it." Draco right eye twitched.  
"Said I had to go to a local school where she could keep an eye on me," there was more twitching...  
"You see I have special..."  
"Needs?"  
"No!"  
"Then why are you speaking like a house elf?"  
"Sorry, I'm a bit emotional right now."  
"Well this might cheer you up, it's your miniature report. A wide grin was slowly forming over Draco's face and he started foaming at the mouth (just to be dramatic).  
  
Draco Malfloy  
  
Studies: Above Average  
Friends: Two: Crabbe, Goyle  
Love: Unknown  
Possible love affairs: Two: Hermione Granger, Pansy Parkinson  
Nationality: British, Pure blood (and proud of it)  
Bad habits: None  
  
"Well whoever has written this has done a good job."  
"Ah, that would be me and er *cough*snape*cough*."  
"Well you and *cough*snape*cough* make an excellent pair, I propose that you write my reports more often."  
"Really Draco I am twice your age."  
"Only twice?" Muttered Draco...  
"Pardon?"  
"Nothing, just talking to myself!"  
"I'm guessing you do that often, being an only child?"  
"How did you know?" Draco wept. Caroline handed Draco a hanky.  
"Please don't cry on the floor, I cant stand trying to work up here watching house elf's skive off their cleaning duties to beat themselves up."   
"I see this is a touchy subject, would you like to move onto something else?"  
"No, If you could just listen I have a few things to say."  
"Please, do tell," said Caroline in a strangely comforting voice.  
"Sometimes I just feel lonely, as you might of noticed Crabbe and Goyle aren't much for conversation, and since my favourite House elf Dobby was accidentally freed I have no one left to enslave."  
"I feel for you I really do," Caroline's eyes bulged and she jiggled her head (like a chicken) to show that she was listening.   
"I am so misunderstood," Draco started bawling hysterically  
"Knock, knock."  
"Come in."  
Dennis Creevy walked in.  
"I have a message from, professor Snape."  
"Get used to being a messenger Creevy, that's what I will use you for when I conquer the world." Caroline looked at Draco is dismay. While Dennis shuffled his feet and looked to the floor...  
"In Professor Snape's exact words he said: when you are finished analysing Malfloy can you please send him to my office so he can retrieve the ingredients to a Transforming potion and show Potter and Weasleboy how its done."  
"Thank you Dennis you may leave," on his way out Draco put a leg for Dennis to trip on although he jumped it and tripped anyway. When he finally left Draco noticed that Caroline looked slightly offended...  
"I'm sorry but I have a reputation."  
"Of course, this must cause you a lot of stress."  
"It does, sometimes I wish that myself Potter, Granger and the Weasley tribe could just all be friends."  
"Why cant you?"  
"Mother *eye*twitch* would never allow it, I am a Slytherin I am not to befriend mudbloods and non-Slytherin, If I was to ever think about it *eye twitch/*shudder* she would find out she always does."  
"Excuse me, but why does your right eye keep twitching?"  
"Its in the script, didn't you read it?"  
"You should get up to Madam Pompfrey your starting to lose the plot."  
"No look its right here," pulls out plot from his robes, Caroline studies the plot for a while then says...  
"Fine, carry on..."  
"*Eye*Twitch* sometimes I think she is watching me," looks around room curiously.  
"Is there something you would like to tell me about your mother?"  
"Yes, *extreme*twitch*and*shaking* she is a great cook."  
"Huh, don't your house elf's cook?"  
"I like Beef pie."  
Caroline walked over to Draco and kissed him.  
"Damn you, vile woman what do you think you are doing," asked Draco as he inched towards the door?"  
"Sorry, it's in the script, its how all fanfiction is supposed to end."   
"What?"  
"I realised that you mother had cast some sort of spell on you."  
"Mother *eye*twitch* didn't do that it was that blasted Potter, said I needed to get in touch with my inner child. Ill get him!"  
  
  
  
Epilogue  
  
And with that Draco stormed out and killed Harry potter, he was sent to Azkaban for life (but escaped and lived happily ever after). Hermione grew up to become president and bought a cuddly toy, which she named: Rex. Ron was heartbroken having lost 2 of the people he loved (Harry & Hermione) and spent the rest of his days wearing a teacosy and posing as a house elf in the Hogwarts kitchens.   
While Caroline destroyed many more lives before she was told that "She would have lots of fun and get to wear a cute white jacket that complimented her figure," although that's another story (yes its actually going to be a sequel). *Here *comes*the*cliché*... So that's what happened when Hogwarts met Caroline. 


End file.
